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enchanterAnd If Only the Ghosts Let Go [May 17th, 2006]
PG // complete // Kio, Soubi // introspective/angst // 527 words
Notes: For Wicked-chan. It's nothing special, but your Kio stirs something in me, and this was inspired by your recent drabbles.
And If Only the Ghosts Let Go
by Rhea Logan
Kio knows Soubi is strong; except that strength is nothing but masks of intricate illusions, carefully - over time - layered into the safest patterns Soubi can afford.
Kio knows these illusions help him guard his secrets and, though he can't slip past the strands of barriers shielding Soubi's heart, he has seen the outlines, silhouettes of shadow slithering behind his clouded eyes. There are ghosts, caught in ceaseless haunting of Soubi's graceful steps – unrelenting, always somewhere there.
Some of them are nameless. Some have left their names, riddles locked between the scars – their unique signatures spread across his skin.
They taste bitter, sour, even as Kio tries to tell himself it's still the same skin, only thicker with old scar tissue and even older memories. But sometimes, he can't help thinking that Soubi is only missing the imprints of dates that would tell when each of these ghosts took away another piece of his heart.
He's like a living doll, Kio realizes one day - one that turns its strings to a master's command.
But not all of these marks fall into the same class. Some are taboo; crisscrossed patterns beaten onto Soubi's skin that seem almost methodical. Others, Soubi defends – he calls them 'bonds' and 'marks of ownership' and Kio shudders every time he hears him speak such things. These, too, stand for ugly truth dressed in pretty names, invented only for the sake of keeping the illusion Soubi lives intact.
They claw and tear and rip into them both, bearing different names - servitude for Soubi, for Kio... Who knows; he dislikes such labels, even when it dawns upon him that, of the two spinning the wild wheels of this 'friendship with benefits', Soubi is far from being the only masochist.
When all is said and done, one constant remains: it is loyalty. When they lack other words, strength or will to speak, it is the one word that unites them, divides them, binds them together and simply lets them be.
He would not give up those times when Soubi stuns him, infuriates him, makes him want to scream. Kio knows that if he had one chance to stand against his ghosts, he would defend Soubi's freedom, scar-riddled flesh and sanity that slips slowly away between the blurring lines.
This, he thinks, is love in disguise – hard to recognize under its deceitful masks. It's the wish to break through the lies, through the layers of silence; to tear apart the illusions, look and see and cry – for the very first and the very last time.
If the ghosts could hear him, Kio would not keep falling back on making idle threats at the roof above his head. Had they spared Soubi's heart of hearts, and damaged only flesh, maybe the scars wouldn't bleed and his eyes wouldn't blur with intangible pain. And on most nights, Kio chatters, wearing easy smiles but, deep down, his thoughts go back to every 'how' and 'why'.
He has no regrets but one: the ghosts should have left him something he could try to salvage from their greedy claws.
May 17th, 2006
PG // complete // Kio, Soubi // introspective/angst // 527 words
Notes: For Wicked-chan. It's nothing special, but your Kio stirs something in me, and this was inspired by your recent drabbles.
And If Only the Ghosts Let Go
by Rhea Logan
Kio knows Soubi is strong; except that strength is nothing but masks of intricate illusions, carefully - over time - layered into the safest patterns Soubi can afford.
Kio knows these illusions help him guard his secrets and, though he can't slip past the strands of barriers shielding Soubi's heart, he has seen the outlines, silhouettes of shadow slithering behind his clouded eyes. There are ghosts, caught in ceaseless haunting of Soubi's graceful steps – unrelenting, always somewhere there.
Some of them are nameless. Some have left their names, riddles locked between the scars – their unique signatures spread across his skin.
They taste bitter, sour, even as Kio tries to tell himself it's still the same skin, only thicker with old scar tissue and even older memories. But sometimes, he can't help thinking that Soubi is only missing the imprints of dates that would tell when each of these ghosts took away another piece of his heart.
He's like a living doll, Kio realizes one day - one that turns its strings to a master's command.
But not all of these marks fall into the same class. Some are taboo; crisscrossed patterns beaten onto Soubi's skin that seem almost methodical. Others, Soubi defends – he calls them 'bonds' and 'marks of ownership' and Kio shudders every time he hears him speak such things. These, too, stand for ugly truth dressed in pretty names, invented only for the sake of keeping the illusion Soubi lives intact.
They claw and tear and rip into them both, bearing different names - servitude for Soubi, for Kio... Who knows; he dislikes such labels, even when it dawns upon him that, of the two spinning the wild wheels of this 'friendship with benefits', Soubi is far from being the only masochist.
When all is said and done, one constant remains: it is loyalty. When they lack other words, strength or will to speak, it is the one word that unites them, divides them, binds them together and simply lets them be.
He would not give up those times when Soubi stuns him, infuriates him, makes him want to scream. Kio knows that if he had one chance to stand against his ghosts, he would defend Soubi's freedom, scar-riddled flesh and sanity that slips slowly away between the blurring lines.
This, he thinks, is love in disguise – hard to recognize under its deceitful masks. It's the wish to break through the lies, through the layers of silence; to tear apart the illusions, look and see and cry – for the very first and the very last time.
If the ghosts could hear him, Kio would not keep falling back on making idle threats at the roof above his head. Had they spared Soubi's heart of hearts, and damaged only flesh, maybe the scars wouldn't bleed and his eyes wouldn't blur with intangible pain. And on most nights, Kio chatters, wearing easy smiles but, deep down, his thoughts go back to every 'how' and 'why'.
He has no regrets but one: the ghosts should have left him something he could try to salvage from their greedy claws.
May 17th, 2006
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 03:49 am (UTC)I think this is the line that made me feel that first twinge:
Who knows; he dislikes such labels, even when it dawns upon him that, of the two spinning the wild wheels of this 'friendship with benefits', Soubi is far from being the only masochist.
Then, this one made me wibble and sniffle and bawl like a schoolgirl:
He has no regrets but one: the ghosts should have left him something he could try to salvage from their greedy claws.
I love this idea that you present that Kio knows that there is likely no changing Soubi, that he stands no chance against these ghosts, but he's still there. He's still clinging to him for no reason other than loyalty (and maybe a little masochism).
I keep finding sections that I could quote back to you but I suppose you probably know what you wrote. ;) And I am trusting that you know you wrote something heartwrenchingly gorgeous and melancholy and I hope you're happy with yourself for making me weep. ;_;
no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 04:54 pm (UTC)I think Kio knows that it would take more to change Soubi than he is capable of. And I think he has this love-hate sort of relationship with everything that Soubi is; he accepts it, but some of it grudgingly. This really grabs me by the heart with Kio - he's still there, even though most people would have left a long time ago.
It's funny because on the one hand, I'd want him to leave - go away, leave Soubi behind, find someone who will give him what he actually needs and deserves. But on the other hand, if he isn't there, who will be? It's not like Soubi is the easiest to be friends with, especially on that level. And it's not like he'd let just anyone close to him... makes me wonder what made him let Kio close to begin with. Probably not that much beyond a bunch of selfish reasons. Sigh.
Anyway... wow. You like? I'm glad. It turned out longer than I thought it would. At first, when I started writing, it looked like a 150-200 words drabble. But my Kio always has something more to say...
♥
no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 10:30 am (UTC)I can't even pick a favourite line. Everything is woven in so well and Kio's thoughts and revelations just bleed into one another so damn beautifully. And the way that Kio loves-but-doesn't-love Soubi for what he is... I'm speechless. You are cruel indeed. >_____
no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 04:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 08:12 pm (UTC)Slap me, just slap me. ♥
no subject
Date: 2006-05-20 07:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 11:44 pm (UTC)The loyalty. That feels right. Kio just won't leave. He's so 'normal' in some ways (especially compared to some characters I could name...!) but is so linked in to Soubi I think little short of death would separate Kio from Soubi.
Another great fic, thank you!
no subject
Date: 2006-05-20 07:45 pm (UTC)Thank you! :D
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 02:18 am (UTC)...his eyes wouldn't blur with intangible pain This also got me. It's so very true. And that ending, the ghosts should have left him something... *wipes away tears* I like how you describe Kio's experience, that though he's "wearing easy smiles," it must hurt him terribly to see Soubi like that.
re: writing as bleeding across the page... I get it, I really do. Story just comes through me so strongly sometimes, it's as if it has to rip me apart in order to get out. And it happens with experiencing story, too, not just with writing... It's so hard to explain to someone outside of the fandom just how deeply it affects me.
A lot of people are like, "hahaha, you and your kissy boys," and I laugh with them, but they fail to understand just how fragile this is for me. I haven't read very much past Vol 5 of the manga, and in some ways, I'm terrified to. If Kouga Yun really goes there with Evil!Seimei, and if Soubi is in it with him, and Ritsuka ends up alone with nothing and no one in the whole world, I will just cry and cry and cry and not be able to stop. It's an exquisitely painful thing to feel so deeply, which is why I love Soubi so much, as the dance between pain and pleasure is such a delicate thing, and he walks it so beautifully...
Ach, I'm going on. Suffice to say, your writing is lovely, and it stirs deep waters for which I am truly grateful. I very much appreciate the journies you must have taken in order to be able to produce jewels so vibrant.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 02:55 am (UTC)Hee, Kio/Soubi. Oh yes. Kio somehow managed to sneak up on me not long after I first got into Loveless. When you look under the surface, he's so much more than meets the eye. And it's beginning to show in the recent chapters of Loveless (which, by the way, you really should read. I know what you mean by dreading to find out what's going to happen - I share these sentiments. But still. Read...)
Hehe, I was told on more than one occassion that I convert people to Kio/Soubi. I don't think that's bad, though, is it? I think Ripple Effect is good conversion material, if you haven't read that one yet (and if you'll pardon this shameless plug). Of all 20+ stories I've written so far, quite a few deal with these two because really... they are so much (unrequited) love.
Oh, and this...
It's an exquisitely painful thing to feel so deeply, which is why I love Soubi so much, as the dance between pain and pleasure is such a delicate thing, and he walks it so beautifully...
...has got to be one of the most beautiful ways to put it, and it made me teary-eyed as well. Because that's exactly the way I feel, too, and the reason I write.
Anyway, thank you for yet another wonderful review. I'm glad you liked this story, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy others, as well. ♥
no subject
Date: 2006-05-24 05:17 pm (UTC)I feel tears in my eyes, but can't cry.
Had they spared Soubi's heart of hearts, and damaged only flesh, maybe the scars wouldn't bleed and his eyes wouldn't blur with intangible pain.
That's the line.
Beautiful.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-24 07:25 pm (UTC)Thank you for reading, and for the comment. :D ::hugs::